How to Offer Support
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Sometimes it’s hard to know how to respond when someone tells us that they are struggling or that something bad happened. It can also be hard to know when to reach out to someone we're worried about. Sometimes we don’t know what to say, how their response will make us feel or how we’ll come across. It’s important to not ignore our own distress, and it’s important to not ignore someone else’s struggle.
Traumatic Events
When bad things happen and we need someone to talk to, it’s most likely that we will turn to someone close to us to talk aboutĚýour experience. How that person responds matters. If the response is negative, it may shut someone down or increase the impact of a traumatic event. If the response it positive, it can help a person feel hopeful.
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How to help a friend
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Here are some important things that we can do to support someoneĚýwho discloses a traumatic or disruptive life event:
- Check on their safety and help them address any immediate safety concerns.
- Actively listen and seek to understand their feelings and needs.
- Reflect back what you hear.
- This helps to clarify understanding and shows that you are really listening.
- Normalize and validate their feelings.
- This doesn’t mean normalizing the bad thing that happened but rather affirming that their response to it is understandable.
- People respond to traumatic events differently and howeverĚýsomeone is feeling or acting (e.g. laughing, crying, no emotion, etc.) is normal.
- Keep calm and avoid having your own emotional response interfere. Your job isn’t to “fix” the person, make them feel better, or take their pain away. Your job is simply to listen.
- Recognize your own internal judgment and how it may affect your response.
- Having judgment about what someone could have done differently is normal, but we need to keep from verbalizing that judgment, as it is likely to increase defensiveness, shame, and self-blame for the person disclosing something traumatic.
- Avoid a tone of voice or any actions that would escalate their response or the situation.
- Follow their lead and let them decide what they need.
- This means we don’t want to tell them what to do or how to feel.
- Help them explore options and choices for additional support or next steps, but don’t pressure them to take action.
- If you are a member of the ¶¶ŇőÂĂĐĐÉä community who has an obligation to report, let them know that you must contact theĚý when it comes to discrimination, harassment, sexual misconduct, intimate partner abuse, or stalking,Ěýbut that they still have a choice in whether to follow-up or take additional action.
- For more information on how to help someone who discloses a traumatic event, please visit the Office of Victim Assistance (OVA)Ěýhow to help page.
- Learn more about howĚýto talk with students when problems arise.
- Learn ways to be an ally to Black people and communities of color.
When you’re worried about someone
Life can be stressful. It may be difficult to tell whether someoneĚýis dealing with the usual life stressors or if they are facing something more serious.Ěý.
Signs that may be cause for concern:
- Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
- Withdrawal from friends, family, work, school or social activities that used to be enjoyable
- Changes in eating or sleeping patterns
- Anger, rage, or extreme reactions to certain situations
- Trouble concentrating, thinking or making decisions, or suddenly struggling
- Restless, irritable, agitated, or anxious movements or behaviors
- Ceasing to care about appearance or about keeping up with personal hygiene
- Reckless or impulsive behaviors such as excessive spending or risky behavior
- Increased use of alcohol or other drugs
- Persistent physical symptoms such as headaches, digestive problems, or chronic pain that do not respond to treatment
It is important to provide your support, but you are not responsible for fixing the problem. Think of it this way: if someone had a broken arm, you couldn’t fix it yourself, but you probably wouldn’t ignore it.
Here are some ways to approach someone that you are concerned about:
Check in and listen:
Express your concerns based on what you’ve noticed.
If they open up, listen and don’t change the subject.
“I’m glad that you are telling me.”
"I may not understand exactly how you feel, but I hear what you are struggling with and want to help.”
Just listening empathically and allowing a person to talk about their problems can be very helpful.ĚýResist the temptation to give advice or dismiss their concerns.ĚýAsk them what you can do to help.
Offer resources for support without pressuring them to seek help if they aren’t ready.
“Tłó±đre are good resources on campus. Can I help you find someone to talk to?”
“ provides support after a traumatic event and I’ve heard they are a wonderful resource.”
“Tłó±đ is a valuable resource for talking through something like this.”
Access emergency and crisis careĚýor call 911 if immediate assistance is needed.
Be prepared for all possible reactions:
- Your friend or colleague may not react to your concern in a positive way. They may:
- Deny that anything is wrong
- Be unready to seek help
- Become defensive or angry
- Don’t take a negative reaction personally.
- Be patient and let them know that you are available if they want to talk.
- It may be helpful to ask them about what, specifically, is stopping them from seeking help.
- If they areĚýunwilling to get help and you are still concerned and unsure what to do, you can contact a campus resource to get advice about the situation.
Take care of yourself:
- Some people get so caught up in worrying about others that it starts to negatively affect them.
- Remember, taking on someone'sĚýproblems or trying to solve them yourself isn't actually helpful.
- If you are feeling overwhelmed, support services on campus like OVAĚý(Office of Victim Assistance),ĚýCAPS (Counseling and Psychiatric Services), and FSAP (Faculty and Staff Assistance Program) are available for you, too.
Take suicidal thoughts seriously:
- If someone is talking around suicide (e.g. “I just don’t feel like living” or “I can’t go on like this”), ask them directly if they are thinking of hurting themselves.
- Never promise to keep someone’s suicidal thoughts or behaviors private.
- Whether you or someone you know is having a hard time, it’s important to reach out for help. Find out more about how to access support or help a fellow Buff.
“I am listening. This is important.”
“I’m glad you told me. We need to get help.”
